Ending an inner ‘war’

Lynn Rust plays Christmas music along with other performers at Ray’s Food Place in Crescent City on Monday. The Daily Triplicate/Bryant Anderson

Christie Lynn Rust had built what she likens to a dam to hold back feelings of femininity inside a masculine body.

“For my whole life, I looked in the mirror and felt opposite,” she said Friday. “I’ve had these feelings since my earliest childhood. I remember it at age 7.”

Known as Lindy Rust, the longtime music director at Del Norte High School took students on trips to Europe to see the birthplace of classical music, put on concerts around town and was a prominent figure in the community.

The dam held tight for years, but once it started leaking, Rust decided to retire in 2008 after 30 years at DNHS and started contemplating what life would be like in Crescent City after physically transitioning from a man into a woman.

The decision to stay

About a year ago, Rust started privately telling close friends that her brain was wired to be a woman and not a man.

By then, she’d already begun electrolysis to remove facial hair and was taking hormones. This year she had gender surgery.

Rust looks through an album of recent photos. The Daily Triplicate/Bryant Anderson

Rust had made the decision to “align the body with the brain,” but feared what the repercussions might be in a small community.

“I was frightened to death to come out,” Rust said. “I was ready to move out of Crescent City and transition up in Washington — that was my plan.”

Even though state law protects transgender teachers, Rust felt it would be best to retire before undertaking a new gender identity to protect her students from possible ridicule.

“I didn’t want to transition while being a teacher,” she said. “I love my students too much.”

“I thought to myself, ‘Could I transition in Crescent City?’” Rust said.

One friend said to Rust that, given the chance, the community might be more supportive than she thought.

Family and friends have been accepting, she said. Since “coming out,” as she calls it, as transgender, the response has been overwhelmingly positive, Rust said, adding her fear was  “way overblown.”

“I thought I would probably have half and half; that some people would walk out,” Rust said about the reaction she expected when she privately told people.

“Most had one comment that was prevalent through every conversation: ‘I know you and know the kind of person you are inside and that’s not going to change.’”

Negative things have been said, but not directly to Rust. As more people found out, gossip and even misinformation spread, such as that Rust was flying to Europe for Christmas to get a sex-change operation.

A transition for everyone

There still could be a backlash from those who don’t know Rust, or parents of former high school students.

As she told family, friends and former students, Rust said she realized that they would be “going through a transition” themselves.

While still a teacher, Rust said she didn’t speak much about her personal life to students or colleagues and especially not about about being transgender.

“This has been a deeply personal and private journey,” she said. “I did not bring it into my job and never discussed it with any student at any time in the 30 years I worked at DNHS. I gave up my career and doing the thing I love.”

Del Norte County Unified School District Superintendent Jan Moorehouse agreed that Rust kept her personal and professional life separate.

“There was never a hint of anything that was a compromise of confidentiality,” she said.

Last week, Rust spoke to a psychology class at the high school that was learning specifically about gender identity issues. Students had to get permission slips signed by their parents, but her presence on campus didn’t seem to cause much excitement, Rust said.

Ashley Fones, a former DNHS music student, said she is protective of Rust and is concerned about what is said. Rust was one of Fone’s favorite teachers and was like a parent to her.

“It’s not something to gossip about,” Fones said. “This is someone’s life.”

Fones said when she found out about the transition to Lynn, she felt like she had found a “full friend” that she missed out on in high school. But she understands why Rust wanted to retire first.

Jenny Young, another former music student who is now in the choir at CR, said that Rust is still the same person.

When Rust told her about being transgender, “I was hurt that she had to suppress the person she was for so many years,” Young said. “Being what other people wanted her to be and putting other people before herself.”

The ‘war’ inside

Transgender is an umbrella term that refers to people whose gender identity is different from what sex they were born.

Under that umbrella are cross-dressers on one end and transsexuals on the other, such as Rust, who have decided to become the gender with which they identify.

Gender identity is different from sexual preference. Rust said she has always been attracted to women and continues to be.

“People can be confused about this,” Rust said. “This is not a lifestyle. This isn’t something where I think, ‘I really prefer these pretty clothes rather than a Dockers shirt. This has nothing to do with that.”

The biggest misconception about transgender people, Rust said, is that they’re drag queens, which is what some people have asked her.

“Nine out of 10 people I chatted with privately,” she said, “they would say, ‘What’s transgender?’ Or, ‘Are you a drag queen?’ Oh, gosh no.”

Some of Rust’s earliest childhood memories are of feeling female. She felt confused and later depressed.

“I grew up in the 1950s and ’60s, people didn’t talk about this kind of stuff,” Rust said.

It wasn’t until college that a psychology teacher told Rust what transgender was and that many people felt the same way.

What she refers to as an inner “war”  continued. She kept thinking, if she just got married and had a family, maybe it would all go away.

The feelings never disappeared, even after marriage (Rust told the future wife in advance about the inner turmoil) and had two daughters. They divorced about 10 years ago.

Several years ago, Rust started seeing a therapist who deals specifically with gender issues, which helped her cope with her feelings.

“It just kept getting harder and harder to hold and the dam was starting to leak,” she said.

Paving a new road

Rust said she has always been a religious person, and sometimes her spirituality compounded the turmoil.

“Even though I loved God and Jesus, I thought that he hated me,” she said. “Several years ago, I came to the realization that God made me the way I am and he loves me — he was the one that brought me into this world for this purpose.”

And part of that purpose has been to help others dealing with what Rust went through. She attends two support groups outside of Crescent City.

Rust talks to others not just about her experiences, but also brings a religious perspective to the meetings.

“I love Jesus and wear it on my sleeve,” she said. “You can be transgender and still love God.”

Rust emphasizes that she believes her decision is not a choice. If there were a pill to make her feel like a male, “I would have popped that pill when I was a little kid,” she said.

“No one wants to be ostracized, no one wants to be outside the norm,” Rust said.

Society is slowly opening up and becoming more accepting of transgender people, she said. Many made the change in their mid-50s, like Rust, but a lot are now doing it earlier in their lives.

The community so far has been accepting of Rust’s new identity, but there will still be people who don’t understand, Rust said.

Ashley Fones said she was surprised, but pleased, with how the local community has responded so far.

“I think it’s wonderful and courageous to do this in such a small town,” she said, “to pave this path for so many people to find courage in themselves.”

Jenny Young had a similar sentiment:

“I think Lynn is really setting a road for other people in the community — not only for transgender people, but gay people,” Young said. “She’s laying the road that they can be themselves.”

The journey has been painful and confusing for Rust from a small child to age 55, but she now feels “huge amounts of peace.”

She still plays the trumpet and will continue to direct the CR choir next year, which will feature “toe-tapping” pop and jazz music.

“There are times I almost float out the door,” Rust said, telling the story about getting ready for her first meal in Crescent City as Lynn. “I walked out onto the driveway and it was sunny, there were little puffy clouds in the sky. I  looked up and down the street and said, ‘No longer do you have to hide.’”